I still don;t have the pelvic pain anymore, and every now and then i stop and think of that and it feels weird to not be so aware of my pelvis and left ovary. It must have been one hell of an infection. I still get a tickle occasionally, but it is nothing compared to how horrible it was.

I have to try to motivate myself to do homework when i just want to quit. I also need to figure out a way to spend my money so i can quit my [email protected] will need a break from school for sure, and i will not be able to get one if i keep my [email protected], the city isn't about to re-hire me, so i need to move on.

trying to find my mom's birth family is weighing on me...we have greatly narrowed it down to a family, but in genealogy that means hundreds of potential direct lines, each of which i need to research to rule out or keep open as an option. Even though I am good at this, it hurts. No one should have to wonder who they are or where they are from. I wasn't adopted, but my mom was, and so in a sense i am, i carry her not knowing in me...half me is erased. All of her is erased.

i grieve over what i don't know. It is a permanent state of loss.

I am afraid of dying alone in the world.

And services keep failing to provide the care i need, and there is no way to file on them if supervisors refuse to call back.

I need to sleep...more often than i not i want to either wake up on the right side of this reality, where i have family and friends and a life, or not wake up at all.

~e