I tried to see my gynecology clinic yesterday only to be told no one was there except a nurse who could merely take a pee test that likely wouldn't even reveal if i have a yeast infection, and to go to urgent care. After calling the two urgent cares i was aware of that take my insurance, both told me they do not do gynecology...very frustrating. So then i finally got told by my clinic who does (there's only one) and went there.

After two hours this seriously cute nerdy blond guy walks in the room...All I could think is when I finally get a guy who is my favorite type of guy to go down there it is to check me for an infection...this world is cruel. And being that I am seriously swollen and he could barely check me because of it. I just kept saying it hurt because it seriously did. After when he talked to me, he was stuttering a bit, which was really cute and kind of sexy. lol

So, in the end, I won't know for a week what the results say, but I was given meds for a yeast infection and luckily I can say that the burning feeling is gone but the itching is horrible...I have hated my crotch for the last week, and continue to do so.

I had a really serious talk (yet again) with my boyfriend about his violent temper. I am done. I am also convinced he has intermittent explosive disorder. I was amazed at how fast he patched the hole considering his family was in town and would likely see the hole if he hadn't.

I told him over and over when he asked anything that he just needs to stop getting violent and punching things. he would say "okay, i'm not punching anything right now, what else?"

I hate to say it but i don't believe him. If he breaks a wall with his fist 3 feet from where i am sitting over my not replying to him fast enough because i was clearly reading, and then he asked me a question and i had to process what he had asked, then I wonder what would he do if i really did something wrong. that fear disturbs me.

When he drove me home, he of course was super sweet in a way he hadn't been all week. And i told him that i mean it that he needs to stop and control himself. he told me he will be getting rid of his spackling tools and that he will have to live with holes in his walls if he does it again...that damn wall has been patched tat least 20 times. It's this reminder of all the things i've done to piss him off. The foot of his metal bedframe is dented at least 10 times, as reminders of other times i pissed him off and he took his various canes and sticks to it.

he is losing me and I have put up with enough. I never meant to be with someone like my dad. I told him that each time he does this I trust him less and less and at some point i won't be able to trust him and that will be the end, even if I don't want it that way. I can't keep fighting the messages my brain and nervous system tell me...and i can't keep lying to myself.

When his sister and her family left we sat for photos. Before then I'd been in the room not feeling well having just gotten treated like shit by her brother and crying over not being able to leave the house due to my agoraphobia. When they were finally leaving, I came out to say goodbye and they asked me what was wrong because he had apparently told them i wasn't feeling good...I didn't have the courage to say that my damn vagina wasn't the issue, so i just said "i don't know, I haven't been feeling well for a long time" and left it at that...what I wanted the courage to say but failed was that her brother just punched a hole 3 feet from me and screamed at me for 5 minutes while throwing and hitting things because i didn't reply to a question she had asked him that he relayed to me...within 10 seconds of him asking me, things began flying and within a minute the wall had another hole in it. It's kind of hard to feel good when someone does that to you. All of me wanted to go home, but i also wanted to say goodbye to them before they left. It honestly may be the last time I ever see them.

And my summer class is being so glitchy that I am just feeling done all around.

~e