I found out that my ex-boyfriend (he got married in 2013, blah blah), well, his step-daughter committed suicide. She was 18. And because of my constantly getting screwed over, and having those feelings resurface, and that desperate feeling of being alone and wanting to let it take you. I know that feeling.

Her death made me think of why i am still here...for one because clearly God doesn't listen to me because I've begged to die, honestly and deeply for years and nada...and two because I honestly don't know when to quit.

When things are shitty, I don't want to quit when things are bad, and when things are good I don't want to quit at all...

If I ever do commit suicide (not saying I will, but i reserve the right to maintain that there are definitely things I could experience in life that would push me to it) ten I would either have to accept things ending on a really shitty note, or accept quitting/ending it while things are good, which isn't very logical...because I really like experiencing good things.

Anyway, I think my heart cracked in two, and even though my ex-boyfriend was anything but good to me, his wife's daughter just died, and it is really hard to not feel the pain of that, and feel sorry that it happened.

I have a major paper to write by tomorrow, for all the caring I feel for his wife is going through, I feel no fucks being given by any part of me about this paper.

Slowly getting my priorities straight.

~e