Lately I've seen a lot of really pretty women who happen to be larger than me, look at what's left of my honestly horrifically tiny body and feel bad about themselves...and I feel jealous that they can eat food...because lately I feel sick if I eat more than a handful at a time.
I weighed myself. I weigh 118 with PJ's on. Tiny. My size 5's are sliding down when I walk. It doesn't feel good. I feel foreign in my own body.
I got to watch my boyfriend enjoy gorging on a veggie burger and fries, and I really enjoyed my baked potato with toppings, but I really would have given anything to be able to eat what he had without feeling ill.
And my dad wants to talk with me on the phone...and I am terrified. I am not handling things well.
He was a total ass...and likely still is. Just because he is dying doesn't mean he isn't.
Today I went to dance class, and a classmate who has a depressive personality noticed I wasn't doing so well. She asked if i'm ok, and I told her i was tired, which was half true...and thanked her for caring. Human kindness and caring is a rare form of wealth these days...
I really struggled to move, and felt ill and weak. I am not sure why.
The antibiotics officially did nothing for my sinus infection, and I hope I can get bloodwork done to rule things out. I am likely deficient in Vitamin D again, and possibly other things like potassium.
I'll know next week.
this year just needs to be over already.
~e