For the first time I am alone; I am staying by myself, alone, in possibly forever...or at least as far back as i can remember. I have always tried to have someone with me. But now i'm alone, with his two cats. I am terrified of being alone. I always have been.

My boyfriend left for S@n Di3go this morning at dawn...I am fighting with myself over going outside to get the paper and take out the trash...it feels very stupidly agoraphobic. The mailbox is attached to the house and within arms reach of the door...it is something I really like about this house.

But being alone is making me contemplate who I would call for help if something happened to my mom and my boyfriend...really I don't have any friends I could really count on. And having no family makes me be up shit creek.

I've been trying to do my homework all day, and it has come to nothing. I' m too stressed. I should probably go raid my boyfriend's alcohol box. Tequilla makes me feel better...especially when mixed with music. Just a shot in some juice would probably help a lot.

Overall, despite my fears of being alone, I just mainly feel cold, even though the heat is turned up. I should take a hot shower.

I'm honestly worried about passing my classes because of not being able to focus my thoughts...ugh. I've never been so bad in 10 years.

I feel like staying up all night, and probably will. What else is there to do?

~e