I had one thing I was trying to look forward to, which was a roadtrip to D3nv3r to see at least one of my siblings, as in the only one still talking to me via non-descriptive communication on f@ceb00k anyway, and...after my boyfriend applied for and got the week off work, and after I had asked her twice if that was a good week to visit, and she told me things we could do together, and I was making real plans for a hotel and car...she asked me this morning to not visit with no real reason why.
I was mainly wanting to see her, but also to get some of my dad's things, and maybe some ashes (why i have no idea), but now I am just back at square one hating the idea of being alive and feeling emotions because of my pathetic heart and hating every fucking person I'm related to out of continual disappointment and heart ache and rejection and stupidity, and I likely will not be able to do a trip like I was planning ever again. I can't see this being possible if I am working and being in college, as I will have to be again fairly soon, there would just be no time or ability. And after I am out of school, I will have zero money except for rent and bills.
So I guess me and my boyfriend are going to get my birthday week off to fix the house up, paint and spackle and fix holes and put flooring, I guess. I will probably cry my way through it.
And I have to half-ass a bunch of papers today, for the jerk of a professor whose class i am failing because he refuses to answer my questions about his conflicting assignment directions. I am so lost in his class, he is so inept. And I am too tired and depressed to fight the affects off. So 3.5 weeks away from graduation, i am still not sure I am actually graduating. Which feels so impressively devastating that it is altering my reality to not give a fuck whether i do or don't. What I do care about is my GPA and paying back financial aid to remove my first failed course.
I am not sure what I am doing at this point or why. Really.
~e