lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Apr. 29, 2016 - 3:08 am

=*=


It's 2:30, I can't sleep, I'm not even tired. I talked with my school counselor yesterday. It was a weird conversation where we both openly avoided talking about everything in-depth, so my depression and stress and anxiety turned into talking about lilacs and playing with insects and wondering out loud what to do about the skunk in the yard.

I wish I could feel proud of what i'm attempting to do. But really I don't feel proud of it. I feel like college took 10 years of my life away. And in particular, like it stole the last 3 years from me. I don't think I would have started this if I really knew it would have gone as badly as it has. I have been put through the wringer of higher education. And then the last year has been brutal, for being sick, for deaths, for being harassed, for having to fight, for dealing with changes in life, and the pain i'm in...being in constant physical pain. I haven't taken a break in 2 years, even going summers to graduate "on time", and it has taken its toll on my happiness and well-being.

I don't even want to make the phone call to order my regalia. My boyfriend wants me to, I suppose i'm doing this for him. But I feel really uneasy about it all. I will be totally alone in a sea of people. With no sense of direction, half blind, clumsy, easily confused, and stressed in a place i have never been to. I will be graduating with highest honors. And it represents 10 years of killing myself to prove a 5th grade dropout with disabilities that include partial blindness, a stress disorder, agraphobia, PTSD, and depressionn, an eating disorder, and pretty much no family support, experiencing homelessness twice, moving three times, and fighting the whole way through can be the first to graduate in my family, and then add with highest honors.

I didn't even set out to prove that, it was just to try to socialize, to not live the way i still live 10 years later, being totally isolated in my house...10 years ago I expected to fail my first class, but was convinced to change it from audit to credit, and got my first A...before I even got my GED. And I got my first boyfriend who broke up with me 2 days after finals, and a whopping 6 weeks after i totally fucked up and trusted him.

I have gotten nothing but A's since then. This semester I am letting it go. I may get a C, or a B, or even an F. I don't yet know. But all of the death and sadness in particular my dad dying 4 weeks ago and not living to see me walk at graduation, my siblings not really giving a fuck about it or me and not even wanting to see me at all when i'm willing to drive there, and my mom not even wanting to see me walk at graduation, just puts my biggest accomplishment so far in a really dim and very sad light. So i'm up listening to all the youtube videos Prince tried so desperately to keep off of youtube, and crying, and feeling really alone.

And I know hundreds of people who love me here, they literally run to hug me when we bump into each other, and then they go away and forget about me and don't include me, or invite me to things they know i can't get to. And online they seem annoyed by me, uncaring, and make me feel sorry I exist.

It is weird to feel depressed and like you want to die two weeks from graduating summa cum laude, but I am honest with myself that I have lost way more in life than is my fair share, and my friends here and my family fucking suck. The feeling I am most familiar with is grief. I have carried it with me in one way or another my entire life, and it really hurts. Everyone always left my life before they died, they just picked up and abandoned me, giving me a goodbye present and going on their way. I hate presents to this day because of it. And i've kept everything everyone ever gave me...i have bins full of goodbye presents. All I've ever wanted my whole life was people...i'd give up this degree and all of my accomplishments to have people stay in my life, people to visit, people to care...i'm grateful for all of my internet friends, but i've never had a girlfriend to go shopping with, and I will be wearing old dresses at my graduation because I just don't have the heart to drag my boyfriend through that again. He was miserable.

Anyway, this is all a long way of saying that depression is a bitch...


~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017