There's this level of depression that I have where the fact that my boyfriend wants a clothes washer, well, he NEEDS a washer is like making me want to go bury myself in the yard. He is busy making money, i am sitting on his couch reading absolutely depressing reviews of stinky clothes, and washer leaks, and awkward settings and hidden lint drawers and wanting to get us a fucking awesome washer but they are like close to $1000 and well, I have the money technically, and his grandma even gave him $$ for it, and he still has a savings account left, maimed after buying this house, yes, but still enough to splurge on a washer, and he is employed still and while not making great $$, is making $$, and I'm just bummed...really bummed...by middle-class problems.

I am not used to these issues, I am used to wondering where food will come from, and paying bills with a credit card, and wishing i could afford clothes i can't afford...i'm not used to deciding on appliances and paint colors and flooring. In fact I am not even sure which room I want in this house, but i like the much smaller "purple room", except it won't fit all of my things in it, and it's so dark purple it's almost black, and so i want to lighten it to a warm plum and see how that goes, and this is so not my area of expertise...

Any of this. Of choosing flooring, or paint, or washers...not even with a 3.98 GPA (haha because of that a-hole teacher who held up my degree and ruined my perfect GPA) am I feeling capable of dealing with this.

But all of me wants to get a job and get off SS! and get rid of the SS@, and their awfulness...but i can't yet. I also did a whopper on pulling my hair, so I'm annoyed with myself on top of depressed.

I have so much to do. None of which I want to do. And it's almost my birthday again...and my siblings asked me to please not visit them after i went to set it all up, even though i was wanting to go mainly to get some of my dads ashes and his things, but i doubt i will ever get squat.

No family, no friends, 4 cats, a boyfriend who I told off when he broke a door because didn't answer him properly, and who i really should leave, but where do i go? Things are just getting good, except for all of these annoying as fuck middle-class problems...

~e