The temperatures are supposed to be in the upper 90's here this weekend, and there is a large wildfire less than 100 miles away, so depending on the direction of the winds, if it heads this way, there will be no way to keep the windows open.
I'm dealing with so many emotions at once, and feeling devastated in a different way by each. It is, quite incredibly, possible to feel devastated by both happiness and sadness. It is very confusing, though. I remain so incredibly happy at this house, even though we have still primarily only looked at things to fix it up, and even though it needs new wiring to be safer and the roof maintained, and new windows. It is still perfect in so many ways. A little less so, though, with the door my boyfriend dented a large crack into when he got mad at me a month ago today and punched his fist into it. But no one but me will see it. We have no real friends to invite over. We have no family to invite to visit. We have no children. There is this gaping hole of missing people.
And then there was my little mantis. It wasn't the one who died at the first molt, who had mangled legs, and could barely walk; the one who sweetly ate cat food from my fingertips and struggled but learned to successfully catch fruitflies in its two weeks here with me, and who I felt bad for and missed when I found him mangled and lifeless in his molt, which i felt sad but oddly inevitable as his legs were so weak. It was the second one, the one who had gotten her hand stuck on some tape, and we rescued her from it, and tended to her to make sure she was okay...I had intended to let her go, but I couldn't. She was curious about me, and as her siblings got put outside, I wanted to see if she was able to physically get food with her hand. She was able to, and i would hold her om my hand and she would rest just long enough to let your guard down then bolt or leap and you would have to grab her. When i took her out of the jar she would glance around the room, and up at me. She was scheming an escape plan, you could feel it. Me and my bf just kind of assumed she would make it to adulthood. She was half way there.
Who would have thought that a little one inch long mantis, raised from birth, who survived four molts, would have brought so much life into this house. I kept her jar, an old plastic caramel gelato container, on the kitchen table. When she saw me she usually crawled over and looked out at me when I sat there. And now her body lies at the bottom of the jar, near the leaves she was perched on looking up at me for the last time around this time lastnight. Her jade green hue with a tinge of autumn is now deep brown, resembling a twig, still, lifeless, her eyes are closed. Death is so strange regardless of what species you are, with the physical form changing as soon as the soul takes flight. I am looking for a little matchbox to put her in to bury her under one of the lilac bushes. But I don't know where we put the matches.
I am processing the obvious loss of several relationships, and am not yet ready to discuss it all. BUt I know. I have no ego, and next to no self-esteem, but I know that relationships should not hurt this much or require all of the effort to maintain contact be on me. By people who don't want me around. People I can't handle being around. People I need to create boundaries with. But I am inexperienced at moving on without people. The only person who I have ever severed ties with was my dad, and that took him to call me obsessively while high on meth and threatening to kill me before I did that. The rest left on their own, when other people or life took them away.
My stomach is queasy over it all. I can't calm down enough to really sleep. I can't stop thinking of scenarios and replaying and re-checking to see if that is what my sisters husband really stated to me...it was actually worse and much more awful than i even posted here...so much so that if he even hinted that he would be the one to do those acts, I would be informing the FBI. But he didn't outside of that he obviously supports anyone who does. I can't believe my sister would be with someone like that. I have no intention of being near that.
Anyway, it's midnight, i should at least lay down. I also started a wordpress blog (I feel like a d-land traitor too) to write about past stuff good and possibly not good, thoughts n stuff with long-term perspective...I use a nickname I was called by an old friend who I no longer speak to but am still fb friends with.
If you want me to link you, leave your wordpress blog name, or if you want to keep it private, email me at right against the sky [at] y a h o o dot com and i'll add you or send you the link. It's set to public, so even without a wordpress you can read it. So far I just have a test blog entry, very minimal retelling, but i got 6 likes in 2 hours...there's a sad glitch in the template. I've wanted to make that blog for a long time.
Tomorrow I will be giving a funeral for a mantis. And my bf's neighbor with chickens will be bringing fresh eggs here after work. Hopefully I will get sleep tonight. Hopefully nothing more will happen, I can't take much more.
~e
