lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2016 - 7:50 pm

=*=


I've come to accept that I have no friends here, and no family besides my mom, anywhere. It hurts. My heart actually aches. bit reaching out on facebook isn't going too well. Many of my posts jist get erased. People don't want to hear truth or my thoughts.

I've also seen a lot of racist arguing on facebook. I'm tired of being in between it all. I don't fit anywhere. My mom was adopted and has no family. I don't have a community. I don't have a culture. I'm just living until I die,wondering exactly who am I? All by myself. Wondering why I have to fight so hard to be included, and why no one wants to hear it or listen or include me.

I have to go home tonight. I don't want to. I'm already tired.

Me and my bf arent really communicating anymore. It's weird. When I've voiced it he gets mad about it.

I have a bad feeling about my life, in general. I can't fight depression anymore. The biggest message seems to be for me to go away. My siblings, my mom, my friends, even my boyfriend a lot of the time. I've done nothing wrong. I know totally abusive people who have loads of friends and family. I don't get it.

My most common thought is that me and my mom are mistakes that should never have happened. She only exists because of an affair according to her adoption record. It was a mistake. I've never had anything our culture values.

I'm not sure why my boyfriend is with me. No one else has ever stayed longer than a year.

I started the process to get info over a master's perogram, but so far I've gotten ignored and found I need three professional references. Hard to get when you don't really have recent or current professional contacts.

So we'll see. I'm not sure about much anymore, but that when I speak out I get slammed or feel only regret in saying anything. My guilt over existing is going to kill me.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017