When i try, i regret it. I regret attempting to connect or communicate with people. I no longer like people very much. Its hard to when they completely disregard you. I just want to unexist, to the point where i never existed and life can be the way it should have been without me.

My mom is finding cousins. All of which so far are refusing to communicate with her once they find out she was adopted. Its like we are mistakes who shouldnt have existed. I'm sorry that we do.

Its painful having no family and no fruends, and a bf who has no family or friends...its not like we are doing anything wrong. It's not like we dont try.

The system is also making me sorry I exist. Nothing i do will get me out of the system, nothing i do makes any difference. Everything i do has a punishment and a way to let me know to stop trying to get out of this because its not possible unless i die.

I try to make the best of it, but i'm tired of how much people make my life worse than it needs to be. Both from absence and presence.

~e