I've pretty much stopped existing...i have a stack of library books i havent read. I'm exhausted and tired, and tired of my not-friends. I'm adapting to being alone in my house again...and realizing my stupidity in thinking anyone would care.
My life feels pretty over. And my boyfriend is wanting things of me that my disabilities dont easily allow me to do. And worse, its making him get angry and upset at me a lot. But it's hard to for for a walk when your hip is trying to pop out of the joint. It really hurts. I also don't know how to do a lot of things to fix a house, i wan't a house builder and carpenter like he was, and instead of explaining it to me, he just gets frustrated with me and yells that he'll just do it himself.
So, i just went and swept leaves off the patio instead...all while he was complaining at me.
He got this idea to hand out candy for Halloween, since his neighborhood seems like its that kind of neighborhood. But its just turned into complaining at me about buying too much candy and then needing more now (because we bought 5 small bags, and i ate one being depressed) and what are we going to wear and do to decorate the house...and it will be our 8 year anniversary, and he hasnt even requested the day off yet as far as I know, but he was supposed to.
I really am terrified of fucking up if i go back to college. I don't want to go back. But i don't have a choice. A bachelors degree means little to nonprofits here...they all want you to have a masters degree. But i think, 'who am i to try to be helping people, when i have nothing and no one, and cant even walk a block by myself still'
I'm trying...but it feels pretty futile at this point.
~e