Next week my boyfriend is flying to California to visit his sane grandma...without me. I will stay here with his kitties and his house. I doubt that I will ever see California again...Malibu in particular.
My boyfriend has been withdrawn and pissy for the last two weeks or so. It always reminds,me of something a friend once told me, a friend who didn't believe me when i confided that my boyfriend gets violent, and then left my life saying i didnt appreciate what i have...that friend once told me that my boyfriend can't be the only person i have in my life...but the reality is, except for my mom, he is.
So, i keep thinking of scenarios, great ones if my life goes the way i hope and plan for it to...and ones ending in my suicide if life turns on me and leaves me completely alone in the world.
The weather has finally turned chilly here.
I don't think that i would have choosen to live life if i had come here knowing i would have to go it alone.
Feeling like i need a hug, but knowing that i won't get one...hopefully taking up knitting will help me keep from going bald. I'm pretty into picking at my hair, which happens worse when i feel alone.
I can sum up this life by saying that reality hurts my heart...
~e