I really hate [email protected] not having friends is killing me. I just keep thinking that me and my mom are mistakes that shouldn't have ever existed. That's why we are so alone and have no family. I am scared to die alone in the world. Yet it is inevitable if my boyfriend is the only person who stays in my life. He neglects his health while claiming he is trying to stay healthy.

It is frustrating.

Either way, I know that I shouldn't exist. And when I think if that, it oddly helps to accept all of the pain I am in. Emotional and physical. I have never felt or been part of a community. When I try, as I have several times, I fail. Someone with more connections and support always does a better job than me.

I was going to volunteer for the local women's m@rch 0n w@$hingtob, I was going to present at a local conference...but I don't have the support and connections I need to do those things. That is also true of getting a m@ster's degree.

Accepting defeat is painful...

~e