I feel like I need to drop off the face of the earth...every month I have to fight another agency to do their job. It is exhausting. It is ridiculous how able-bodied and minded you have to be to keep benefits and services.

I really am not dealing with it well, either. And no one can really help with it. And when no one in any agency you are forced to deal with actually communicates to you, or does their job, then you can't actually proceed with any of your plans because you are just stuck wondering if anything has been approved at all. My entire life has to be approved first by able-bodied spoiled people who have friends and family and can't fathom my reality.

So, I'm just stuck in limbo, not knowing if I will be able to attend college or not, and still not feeling very ready to...in 4 months.

With no doctor, no real support system, a house in the exact same condition it was a year ago. And no sign of that changing bc my bf refuses to take paid time off to get shit here done...

And I can't do it myself.

Or I would.

I am sprouting carrot seeds except it is staying cold, so it is probably for nothing...i have 2 s@n m@rz@no baby tomatoes and 3 b33fst3ak tomatoes. And some garlic...i just want it to get warm and stay warm.

I'm trying, despite everything, i get a small sense that these plants, and the houseplants I haven't killed yet appreciate my being alive...

And with the really stupid stuff i see being published these days, I wonder why I feel so...incapable of doing what I really love doing.

But I know why. It's hard to allow yourself to be or feel vulnerable when you're constantly battling someone or something.

~e