I should unfriend and block my siblings...they don't think of me as their sister. And they are at a point where they seem happier thinking and avting as if I dont exist.

I will not be happier, regardless. Because being in touch solely through facebook, and knowing they dont want me to visit ever again, and wont reply if i try to communicate, is killing me as much as if i just went back to being an only child with no family but my mom...

I'm just sorry that I do exist most days. No matter how much good I try to do, it will never be enough to have friends who stay around and care. And my bf's family will never consider me family.

I am also back to fully fighting dee vee are, who are acting like my plans to go to school are a problem. And are making me fight them, all while my worker is supposedly sick and not working until further notice. So I am fighting a new worker who doesnt know me.

I feel like I may as well just have gone and been a drug addict with 5 kids from 5 men and in and out of jail for how I get treated, how my accomplishments mean so little to my family and disability services workers, and how nothing i do seems good enough for anyone.

And I keep getting sick, every time I decide to do something with other people around me, and each time I honestly hope it takes me...but then i get better instead. And I'm forced to stay here where I am seemingly not want around by anyone. Where everyone's lives would have been better if i hadnt have been born.

I know I am doing really good things, but it doesnt seem to make any difference. Both to people who should be my friends here, and to the world. I feel like an idiot for caring about people when they dont care in return.

And the stress of everyone is making me pull my hair out enough that I cannot hide it anymore. So I dont know what to do anout that...

I am trying to contact counselors to help support me and justify switching to a s0c w0rk degree instead, but i am already regretting all of this. Begging for support and assistance to fight systems when no one wants to help or can help.

And theres absolutely nothing i can do to make anyone here care when they are all too preoccupied with their own shit and onligations to.

~e