I've been staring at the 5 major assignments due for my 2 classes, 5 more weekly assignment that require reading about 400 pages of readings, plus research needing to be done (I can't find anything relevant so far)...on top of thinking about my practicum, and the 2 days each week of time it now wastes (because I do very little, and what little I am doing is exhausting me, like fake socializing and having nothing to do all day).

I've never been so close to failing since the 5th grade, which I failed twice. My directions make no sense, even after some clarification by the professor, and I feel defeated. I just can't find what i am supposed to be finding.

My body is so stressed that I am aware of the entirety of it, in ways i'm not even aware when in severe pain. I read the directions and handouts and readings and the words are meaningless. in between my hands and feet go numb in a way that you feel it, like marshmallows, or balloons feeling.

My bf said he would help, but within a few hours I didn't feel I was being helped, and I remain confused, so he got critical of me and...so I'm sitting here by myself. We haven't said a word to each other for the past 4 hours.

Also, his fucking tortoise woke up...and it's not yet warm enough for him to go outside, so he is in the laundry room. For now.

I feel like i need to do more than just drop school, I don't even want to participate in life. I'm forcing myself to, but I don't want to. So when i get home, i am relieved to be away from everyone. I don't have to lie about not being ok. I don't have to worry about bothering anyone. I don't have to pretend I'm capable of doing what i'm doing. Because I question if i can do this work as a job with everything I am experiencing...and I know that s0cial w0rk should not be so exclusionary and disregarding and difficult as it is right now.

So I'm here, like an idiot, crying in my homework that I can't do. One paper is worth 1/3 of my entire grade for that class...and it's a case assessment for the film Pr3c!ous...which is a hard film to analyze under behavi0r the0ry....because she's not doing anything wrong.

But me, I am...I'm not functioning.

~e