I'm running on empty. Between the 5 major assignments due in the next three weeks, and my practicum and classes taking up 4 days of my week, I feel like I'm about to lose it. I'm running on automatic, and I can't sleep more than 4 hours without waking up.

But I just survived a 3 week stint with bronchitis. I still have a yucky cough. But it's much better, and I can actually breathe now.

I'm having a hard time focusing. I have so much not-school shit to do that I can't get to the school stuff. It's things with deadlines that affect my benefits, that require reporting. Or it's things I have to do as a result of getting benefits. It's not things I can put off. I'm putting off everything I possibly can, and it's still not enough.

Plus having absolutely zero human interaction outside of my boyfriend who is mostly ignoring me and beyond forced interaction required by grad school. And then sitting for 8 hours doing nothing at my practicum. And also having learned that not only am I doing nothing, I am not being included in anything that will be happening beyond my being there. Everyone outside of my agency assumes I am being included. I have zero clue what will happen, even next week, and it makes my internship feel pointless, on top of sitting on facebook for 8 hours to get my hours in.

I am absolutely aware that that is not how an internship is supposed to be. But the new director destroyed it for me. She doesn't even say hello or acknowledge me when she walks past me. She's really disturbing all around.

So, i've been away for over a week, and I'm not looking forward to going back on Tuesday. I just need it to be over with.

I've gained 47 lbs in 2 years of grad school. I"m literally carrying my toxic stress at this point. And my arms, hands, and feet still keep going numb if i don't constantly shirt or move from the stupid blood disorder I don't have time to deal with. It makes reading and focusing on my papers really difficult.

So, we'll see if i make it through this semester. I have so many rules on me preventing me from succeeding, like an inability to get an incomplete grade, or DeeVeeR won't fund anything further until I give them a letter grade. So it all has to be done, or fudged to appear to comply with that. It's unrealistic, and it's why disabled people fail.

Plus i am again fighting to get a statement to prove tuition and fees for summer, because my school refuses to upgrade their system to actually function. So we don't get a billing statement until about a week before classes start, but I need it about 6 weeks in advance of the start of classes, so its a fight every semester. they are also really lazy, as its a small school and town and no one ever gets fired regardless of if they do their jobs or not. They are all literally related to each other...nepotism in action really sucks to deal with.

In something happy news, my bf's lilacs are budding. But that's all I've got.

~e