Another night alone...

I asked my bf 3 times to tell me something he likes about me...he said three things...

Carne adovada

Something else not actually related to me

And the third was that I am intuitive enough to always know what's coming...

At the third one my heart sank, and it's remained there...I feel like I'm breaking...and that is the part I don't what to do with. I've broken so many rimes, always due to wanting others to stay and be in my life...my family, my dad, my siblings...broken from everyone who never chose to stay as I was growing up...or as an adult.

Now I am breaking because I made the mistake of trusting someone who stayed...but who is now very clearly breaking away. And I don't feel in any way able to avoid feelimg what it is doing to me.

I went to grad school hoping I'd be able to work part time and we could get married and I could have a chance at having something. But I'm about to fail my classes and I've lost my relationship with both people, the only two people who speak to me (my mom and my bf).

I can't help but think how I shouldn't even exist and that's how my siblings and family always treated me. And it feels really devastating to be a mistake.

I tried...but I can't do more.

Love is a two way street, and I'm not designed to be loved it seems. I in no way believe I will meet anyone willing to help me live independently and help me as I need. My bf does that, sort of...lately with yelling at me and bitching about it. So I just feel in the way...and i'm just sorry I exist right now...

~e