My mom is losing it. And i am at a point where she is making it so i will have to drop out, because of how much time she takes up complaining about how everything is bad, terrible, wrong, against her, hates her, and how she cant do anything to make anything better. I'm not going home this week because of that.

So yesterday we met with the new primary Dr (the one who replaces the absolute jerk we saw last month), who I found (not her care coordinator), and who is exactly what she wanted: an MD, who works with seniors and understands senior health needs, and who will deal with more than one issue at a time, and see her longer than 15 minutes every 4 to 6 months.

So we go there, and i can already tell she wont argue with my mom at all. She is calm, she listens and tries to make sense of everything you are saying. In fact she validated several things my mom said about pains shes having. She may have even diagnosed a rib pain she's had my entire life, that everyone else wrote off as psychological...

So the lady spends AN HOUR with my mom...going over everything and building priorities to address, and they are some logical priorities: possible skin cancer, untreated sleep apnea, and a mammogram that my mom requested. She also ordered a shingles shot, and told my mom what to ask for when she gets checked for a possible hernia.

Seriously fucking thorough, and the appointment in 4 weeks to follow up is 30 minutes, not 15. So, what does my mom do:

obsess and complain about how she showed her that the computer gives a pop up that says the benzodiazepones my mom is taking are contraindicated with untreated sleep apnea...which they are, because taking something that suppresses breathing and relaxes muscles when you already have restricted breathing and throat muscles that collapse is a problem...so what does she do...the woman may as well be the worst person alive now.

My mom starts up at 8 am this morning, with saying how this dr will now try to take away her benzos, and how everyone in the medical field are against her and how they are stereotyping her as a drug addict (to which i told her her behavior now is making me wonder), and...for two hours, she went on and on about this. and she tried to do it last night too but i forced to her to let me sleep. My phone died two hours into this and i'm letting it stay dead today. if she needs emergency care there's always 911.

I really cant handle my mom anymore. She blows everything out of proportion and anything she dislikes she obsesses over and wont relent, and builds on it and makes it way worse than it was. And if you tell her that's not what happened, she writes you off as things like, "well you didn't see it, they did it when you looked away"...as if i believe that. And no other professionals will put up with her either. And i don't know what to do.

I don't want to live with her anymore at all. But i have to because its subsidized housing, and i'm on SSI. And I shouldn't be having to deal with her health issues, like i am, going to every single appt. she has. I should be allowed to deal with my own health needs and get through school with minimal stress outside of those things.

So, anyway, I have a gallbladder that needs to come out, no driver who can stay with me during and after surgery as is required to get the surgery at all, or in the days after to help me after to recover, and I have a boyfriend who is overworked and is using up his flex time to deal with his grandmother's estate (which is an utter and absolute mess), so he has no time off left now. He is also about to have to travel cross-state, four hours each way in 4 different directions, so he will be gone almost all late July and early August. I haven't even touched my incomplete homework assignments, so I'm getting an F for that class. And I felt confident about passing my summer class until my mom went off the deep end today.

Now I"m here trying to focus on absolutely pointless made up case assessments for the final paper and fake client's needs, and trying to study for a final exam feel really pointless in all of this exhausting and draining chaos. My mom is going to die earlier than she should, and at this point she's doing it to herself. And she may take me out with her with all of this stress and having to delay my own healthcare to deal with hers when she turns around and claims it's all wrong and everything is bad and i obviously don't care anyway...

I'm so done. I need family, she needs to be ganged up on and ordered to do things and reasoned with by more people than me...i can't do this alone, she doesn't listen to me.

So anyway, I feel really alone in the world, because I am. If i even had a cousin or sibling, or someone, even not living here, just willing to intervene, that would be great. But I don't. So, yay.

~e