I made a mistake again of doing sexual stuff to my bf hoping he would even sort of reciprocate...he never will. I'm really stupid for thinking he would. And now I feel ugly, rejected, and empty.

Later in the evening I told my bf I don't feel pretty anymore...he just said I'm tired and fighting everyone.

He never has said he thinks I'm pretty...in 11 yeas of knowing me.

Fall semester starts tomorrow.

My brain is trying to think of ways to make it stop...meaning mostly ways to make me stop.

My throat infection is slowly going away, but my breathing is much worse. I'm afraid to use my asthma meds now. I know one thing, if i can avoid it, I don't want to die from sepsis.

My bf says he might fly to a childhood friends funeral. The childhood friend who became schizophrenic and attempted to kill my bf, so he cut off contact 20+ years ago. He said he's just struggling because so many have died this year...I told him how normal that sounds. The only funerals i have been to have been through knowing my bf...his gpa, and his coworker.

I've been to two weddings, a mutual friend's, and regrettably my younger sisters, where in she decided upon meeting me that day that she really disliked me. I guess i can say it was mutual.

When people grieve it is typically missing a lost something...a relationship, a sense of love, perhaps a sense of comfort, or qualities the person had...I've only ever grieved what never was, losses of what i had hoped for, and what never could be...I've grieved losses not through death, but through being rejected and abandoned because I was never good enough for anyone. No matter what I do I will never be good enough, and I'm at a point where I feel that within myself for myself. I'm just really unhappy. And I'm really tired. Mostly of fighting and trying despite having so little support, and no friends here. I just can't be positive about life right now.

~e