I've never been good at trusting people. They always left before I did. In some ways it stopped a lot of heartache that I didn't trust anyone. But here, now, 11 years into a relationship with my bf...and the trust is killing me. Because he is and isn't trustworthy. And I get to wrestle with just how to handle my heart breaking every time he goes and withdraws and won't even hold or hug me...for weeks or months. And he doesn't even realize it.

When I voice it, it becomes a fight...

I have never had anywhere else to be. This is it. He's the only person who has ever made a space for me and stayed in my life day to day for longer than a year.

But I can only imagine myself not being here in his way anymore...letting him find someone he's actually attracted to. Because I'm obviously not it. Not with how he is towards me.

I just feel really alone, And I need a friend here...but I've never had anyone stay.

~e