Today I really wish I could stop existing...unexust...never have existed. I'm sorry i do...

I felt nauseated all day, but I managed to keep it minimal by not eating. my professor played an interview of a lady who is a finance person here...the woman talked too fast, in technical finance language, and I started feeling really I'll an hour into it...enough to walk away. I didn't understand a single thing she talked about. And this shit is what I'm going to be tested on in 2 weeks. I started crying during break. Feeling really stupid and feeling how much this is not for me...and I have no choice but to keep going till I flunk out.. and DVR stops paying for me to continue. Then it will finally be over. But I'll get to carry being a failure.

When my bfs got home he was in a weird mood from the start. But I didn't fe|l good so i tried to avoid dealing with it and keep calm. He ate dinner he bought on the way home.

I told him about how class made me feel really I'll. And how I don't understand any of it. And that I'm regretting it, and emotionally preparing myself to fail or get a really bad grade for midterms.

He got really pissed and I don't want to repeat here what he said he'd do if I fail my midterm...

So my heart sunk, and I decided to mention his neglected tortoise needed a bath to soak and thaw out and help him fully wake up. So he did that.

At 9 I was sitting again on the couch with my bf...nothing good was on TV. We weren't watching anyth>ng in particular and he wasn't talking to me...i was trying to think of what to say that wouldnt piss him off as I was messing around with my laptop...when he started falling asleep. I started feeling drained, alone, sad that he doesn't even speak to me anymore. So I asked him to please not fall asleep yet...he jumped up, like I said something offensive and got really pissed at me.

So I collected my things and went to "my room" at the end of the hall...he opened the door, yelling, and proceeded to hit his head on the door several times yelling more...

He told me some not very kind things, and then said he's leaving...but he didn't. He kept yelling. Then he went into the livingroom. Where I tried to talk to him, but he won't talk to me.

I feel really alone. And I regret all of the things I can't do...I can't do this anymore... I'm barely keeping going.

I have no friends here I can go to. And I have no family besides my mom. She's not doing well at all either...I'm just hoping she lives till I graduate...if I manage| to do that.

Without my bf I'll be on the streets very soon.

For now I have a leaking roof over my head. And my house still with my mom. With chaos happening in both.

~e