I found out that my brothers gf is pregnant and the baby is due next month.

None of them will speak to me. My nieces and nephews won't ever know I exist. It makes me wish I didn't.

I feel really alone.

My bf isn't speaking to me. And to be honest he's starting to lose it mentally. This year two childhood friends died. I'm not sure of what. I think one had cancer.

So now he's having fits of claustrophobia. And he's freaking out over needing the front door open. Which was fine when it was warm. But it's getting cold. The front door still needs to be open.

I can't play music, or watch anything he feels is sad. He says it's making him seriously trip out. He's gone from unaffectionate to absent. He's not in there.

It's just all making me wish I didn't exist. My mom and I should never have existed. Her dad couldn't keep his dick in his pants. And her mom was under age to boot, being 19 in 1950 when adulthood was 21. That remains one of few things we know since her bio family won't acknowledge us.

I hope this life isn't long, because I dont know how much more heartache I can take. I've been not handling it so well that I'll never be part of a family. It's the only thing I ever really wanted.

There is really no point to this life. Except tremendous suffering and grieving wishing I had anything to make this life worth it.

~e