There is something really pathetic yet invigorating about writing a 10 page research analysis in 3 days...I'm on day one of actually writing "paragraphs", so far I have 2 paragraphs written. I am caffeinated and sugared to the point of anxiety. Reality around me feels spinning. I feel energized by documenting how awful disabled people are treated and what needs to be done to correct it...but i have to disassociated that this is for a degree I am no longer interested in. I have to focus as if this has a point to it beyond attaining a piece of paper...to focus as if this is part of a future movement to raise hell. otherwise this is seriously pointless and I'd rather be watching a movie.

I also really want a cinnamon roll. But I have no time to make them.

Today I also had it reiterated to me that too many entomology people are uppity "scientific" assholes who dislike regular people using common names to identify creatures and that makes me happy to not be getting a degree I am otherwise interested in, being that I would be around some really awful narrow minded people...I still want my master of creative writing degree...I have found no assholes yet in my creative writing circles. In fact, I love those people.

Two nights ago at 3 am, by phone and email to myself, in a half-awake daze being blinded by the screen light, I wrote a poem for my boyfriend...about the dichotomy of both stripping naked and stripping each other of dignity and causing hurt and pain and anger while intending to be intimate...or something like that. It needs serious editing. But I was reminded how much I love writing poems that tell two different stories depending on how it is read. I've written several now. this is one of those.

i am losing it...and this year feels hard and mostly pointless still.

I'm going to watch Mad Max films as I write the rest of this paper...it's all very appropriate.

~e