My 15 year old cat needs urgent care now and is going tomorrow. He has a nipple that has swollen to a half inch (cat nipples are like a sesame seed size for those who dint know). It could be an abscess, a tumor, an infection, a seriously swollen nipple for who knows why. He wont let me touch it. Hopefully the $500+ we have to put on credit cards tomorrow actually fixes the issue.

My internship has completely fallen apart and doesn't meet criteria for my degree. I'm trying to salvage it and meet criteria in the next 4 weeks. It wont be easy. I've been able to interact with no one directly. I'm not getting supervising. There is no communication. I'm not getting what I need. I'm officially hoping they let me find and get a new placement for next semester. I'm miserable. I'm napping for a good portion of my hours.

It is snowing tonight. And we have discovered the roofer misspelled my bf's name and the type of roofing materials on the request for a city permit, and it is indeed still pending. After 6 weeks. I suspect the person in charge of permits also quit.

And our state covid numbers just grew 200 per day each day this weekend. my town numbers are holding at around 100 per day.

Tonight we went to get several pick up orders, what should have been less than an hour took over 3 hours. W@lmart was a mess...and their phones didnt work.
I hung up on the manager who kept saying repeating that I was fine when i was telling him the number didnt work. By the time we got to T@rget, I saw a dozen cars in unnumbered ;pick up' spots, all grey - 3 sedans, a van, and several grey SUV's. They only ask what color and type the car is, so the employees delivering orders seemed to be having a hard time maneuvering all of the grey cars.

Slightly over a half hour later they got to our car - which is NOT a grey car, and when he asked me my last name, I told him...his immediate response was to say my name back to clarify and then perked up, asking: "oh, is that the order with the baby yoda!?" I smiled profusely (though behind a constellation mask, my being thrilled at my name being associated with baby yoda was likely tragically under-expressed) and soon after I witnessed a baby yoda who had clearly been strategically placed in the bag so as to peek at us as the cart he was in arrived closer. I told my bf that it was clearly baby yoda that was the reason we got our bags at all. I then suggested we buy a toy, plush, doll, or something fun in each future order to use as an identifier and reward/motivator to get through the rest of the years' pick up orders. We then spent time imagining and speaking out loud all of our future Grumpy Bears, and Eeyores, and glittery unicorns, and sad rainbow clouds squishies...

I am not going to lie and say anything is greatly better. its not. He hasn't yelled lately. But that required a seriously huge argument and having to say things to him I should not have had to say to him about how he makes me feel when he gets like that...he stopped and sat and didn't speak for days after that.

We then had a kind of annoying "s0cial w0rk" discussion on attachment styles, which I didnt divulge any insights of already knowing his. He identified Dismissive-Avoidant, himself, and then said, 'well I wasn't Dismissive-Avoidant until I was 3 when my parents divorced and my mom sent me to live with my grandmother. Before then I remember my mom being really loving. After then I just kind of wandered on my own between relatives. ' Which i know is true. he never really consistently lived with his parents. He more lived with his grandparents.

Then i said yeah, "I'm disorganized but was securely attached till i was 2 and a half when my mom ran from my dad and my life became chaotic and terrifying."

so there you have it...we each have a secure base, that we lost, at the same stage of development.

We had an interesting discussion of his life and how it related to being Dismissive. He still thinks he is far more affectionate than he is. I'm working on that.

Later that evening I read an article that discusses my and his types in a relationship. I can't disagree that I seek and love unavailable people. Every single friend I have isn't in my state or isn't in my country. That is no coincidence. That is distancing to prevent rejection of close attachment at its most certain and advanced. That is recognizing that when i get close to people they abandon me...and they really do. My bf is the only person who ever stayed.

So anyway, I'm struggling.

I'm still not connecting to my research class.

I'm still overwhelmed with everything.

I hope my cat is ok.

I hate everyone who is spreading the virus.

I sneeze, cough, feel nauseated, and am terrified I've caught it...ad then feel normal again soon after. I have a weird rash that looks like ring worm on my shoulder. But also not, but its something. i'm not sure what, though.

I'm relieved about the election for so many reason...

One big obvious reason, but also that so many Senators, Congresspeople, governors, etc. are first to represent people who've never had a representative of their race and/or identity before. That means so much to me. <3

Little things...okay, time for bed. Send my 15 year old kitty some love and well-wishes on Tuesday. He's an old man, and still has some spunk left. <3

~e