I no longer enjoy going outside for any reason. So far every chance to do so has been witnessing large crowds that I'm calling covid-fests (crowded music festivals here), being eaten by mosquitoes which I'm apparently allergic to as the bites become 2" welts within 2 days, witnessing distressed homeless people fighting, bad drivers nearly killing us by driving the wrong way...and then there's the overall pandemic. And my pissed off, distant, whatever he is.

Nothing I'm doing is making any difference. I try to cook things, but end up fucking up the food and just making a mess of bowls and mixing utensils and that ends in a pissed off evening. Because we don't have a dishwasher.

So I'm stopping doing that.

He is having health issues and stopped eating with me. I just feel alone, overall. The irony is that this pandemic made no fucking difference in my life. I have no one that I used to hang out with who I miss, no one who misses me. No one to wish we could see each other. My cats are my only friends. As it's always been.

I should shut this diary down too.

The only people who comment or care on fb don't even know me and have never met me. No one here gives a shit. And here I am faking what little social interaction I get online with people who want to "meet" me on z00m.

On Saturday the committee I am on was told that a very dear former member had passed last week. The following day another online friend announced being in hospice. So I'm cutting out of any additional social interaction for as long as I can. I'm really not designed for this.

~e