We were planning on going shopping for food for the week at, right about now, but I went and screwed everything up because my bf rolled over and fell asleep with his arm around me and I asked him to please not fall asleep bc it makes me sleepy and I can't sleep right now or I'll be up all night. He abruptly got up, obviously pissed and coldly walked away to the other room. And that was that.

He then made dinner, and I can't eat when I'm upset, so then he got even madder that I'm not eating. And then he refused to eat dinner, himself. And was yelling at me till he went out in the backyard, probably to kill more widows.

I woke up this morning with him on the phone yelling at a rep from a life insurance company his grandma apparently had a policy with. They are harassing him because his gma used a different name than his legal name in the will and trust and . In short people. Make sure you never do that. Ugh.

So shopping is off, eating dinner is off, I guess speaking at all is off, all because I asked him to please not make me sleepy.

Today he had back to back zoom meetings from 9 am to 3om, and was supposed to have one from 3 to 4 but that person never signed in. So I sat in my room and mostly posted on an insect group I was following until an admin got rude to me and I went and deleted all 3 days of my posts and left the group.

It feels really good to delete yourself that was from a group with asshole admin. It's like you can un-exist in some from at least. Remove yourself from sharing that space. It's harder to do in real life. Obviously...

in between me posting in that insect group, my mom spent all morning dumping her issues on me, and when I finally got mad and told her to stop she got worse. So she's mad at me now too. But for a whole other reason.

So, I'm not sure what to do. I have no one to go to when I feel like I need to reach out to anyone. I just am here being me. I used to cry on Shadow and he used to let me. He never was bothered by getting wet. I miss him.

I'm supposed to be replying to members of my committee and planning subcommittee meetings and being happy and all I want to do is crawl into whole and never come out again. I'm honestly sorry that I exist. I obviously wasn't designed for this place.

~e