If I could just figure out how to disappear already, I would appreciate it.

I don't want to be here in the literal or figurative sense anymore.

I've been feeling overwhelmed at even speaking to people, so I'm stupidly signing up for zoom meetings but not joining in anything. I'm forcing myself to do my committee meetings, and that's it. I hate that as well. I'm just waiting to completely screw up and quit. I'm close already. I'm confused about so many things. And I have no guidance or support.

My whatever he is has remained distant and critical. He stopped washing dishes altogether after I got the portable dishwasher even though half of the dishes can't be washed in the dishwasher. So now I'm struggling to wash things I need because he doesn't, and just ending up in severe pain.

I'm needing to do something drastic, and want to remove myself from all Facebook groups I'm in, many I mod or admin. It feels like a good step to start erasing myself. So many people are rude or judgmental. So many make me regret living.

I keep running through my head what my siblings told me the last time they messages me back in 2017. They essentially told me I'm dead to them and it is all I deserve. I have no idea what I did except stopped speaking to my dad at age 18 when he threatened to come after me and kill me in a meth-induced paranoid rage.

I just keep going over that if I'd just died when I was 11, I could have died so much happier than I will. By the time I do die physically, I'll be already completely dead emotionally and mentally. I'm just completely devastated and heartbroken by this life.

There's nothing to do about it.

I've always been alone and getting rejected if I get close to someone, no matter what I did, right or wrong.

~e