I have had a really rough year so far.

I haven't felt well at all. The vitamins my Dr is having me take got rid of the worst of the achiness, but it's pretty clear that the depression, nonsensical suicidal thoughts, face swelling, extreme exhaustion, ice cold chills, fingertips, and feet; lethargy, inability to think clearly or organize my thoughts, inability to sleep, is all my thyroid. And each week they get more noticeable. My Dr refuses to believe me. She said to continue to take a crapload of vitamins that are making me feel nauseated (E, C, B-1, B-6, B12, Folate, D3, and Magnesium, daily or every other day) and she insists it can't possibly be my thyroid levels. My TSH thyroid levels were 3.66 and normal range is o.3 to 3.74, so I am barely within normal range and she will not increase my dose any because I am normal now and everything I am experience cannot possibly be my thyroid. In 2018 I was in ER when my TSH levels were lower than they are now. I feel absolutely awful. I can’t even stand in the shower because I am too exhausted, and I have to lay down afterwards. My eyes feel heavy and tired. I am freezing cold still. And I am left here reading article after article stating that it is common to continue to have symptoms unless your thyroid levels are under 2.0, or that you may need to add another thyroid medication to actually feel better. I just want to cry, because that seems to be true.

Another weird thing is that when she got my bloodwork back, the thyroid antibodies to check for autoimmune disorder weren't in her chart, so she had to ask for them. But then I got a copy, and I sent it to her. She insists that she went over them with me already and that my "covid antibodies were not in the test results" but she never ordered covid antibodies test for me, and I've never had covid, and I'm confused by it so much that I don’t even want to interact with her.

She gave me a referral for an endocrinologist, but I cant see her till mid-may and that was the earliest one available I could find. There is also no guarantee that she wont say or do the same thing.

my abdominal ultrasound was painless and the tech was very kind. She pronounced my name correctly and she didn’t push anywhere that hurt. I'm fine apparently except for my gallbladder is full of stones, still.

I also am having pain in my left ovary area, but I suspect that it is a uterine fibroid I was dx with in 2014, as the pain is constant and doesn’t fluctuate much.

so i'm trying to hold myself together. And my bf is having hemorrhoids, for years now, and ignored it because he didn’t want a colonoscopy and…of course he is in pain now, but that means no sex or affection. He took 3 Aleve yesterday.

Tomorrow i have to with my mom to get an esophagram. She hasn’t been able to swallow for years and Drs just kept sending her to gastro drs but they only look from the esophagus down, and not at the throat. Its her throat that closes. They’ve already confirmed that, but they are checking further as to why.

I bought a bunch of new seeds: tomatoes, basil, celery, carrots…I'm not sure if we will get to grow things, but it's worth a try. Hopefully it wont make the water bill go too high.

Anyway, I need to be up stupidly early and need to sleep, or at least lay there to be awake enough tomorrow.

~e