I woke up this morning with my face so puffy I have jowls again and look like I'm 70. it's all fluid retention from my thyroid. I'm barely peeing. I feel awful. My depression is worsening every day. And FB isn't helping at all with any of that. But total isolation without FB doesn't help any either.

I keep thinking of making art or writing or photography, but then I feel no motivation because i know that it will all go to the trash once I die, and maybe before I die, as this house is the sole chance i have of not being homeless, and its falling apart, needs windows, electrical fixed (half the house the electrical no longer works for some reason), and the heater is still one part away from needing to be replaced and that includes the electrical since code requires it. It's a really bad situation, overall. And I have $841 a month to my name, that I can lose at any time if the SSA chose to cut me off for getting my degrees, which they can, even if I still can't leave the house by myself, which I can't.

Mostly I'm upset right now that i feel so bad but that i can't get healthcare. That my dr has no idea what to do, that i can't see a specialist till May, and even then they might not help. I've learned my dr now messed up several things, medicated me before doing further testing which i now know alters results of antibodies, and that makes the causes "unknown" can shrink nodules, can hide pituitary adenoma responses, can make you seem ok on tests...so that is why I'm now trying to get to 6 weeks to try to get accurate testing so that we can determine a cause for this. Also I know she has no idea how to actually test for anything beyond the basic tests that aren't showing what is happening. Everything she is testing for is now "normal", except the initial test. But something is clearly still wrong both on and off meds.

I am supposed to be planning for the committee meetings, but instead I am unable to think and stressed about Ds colonoscopy and how this will work out with the person driving me. I don't feel like socializing. I feel depressed, cold, and miserable. I feel like my suffering has no point except to suffer, and I really just need and want my suffering to stop. I really need to realize I can't do this and resign as chair. Or resign from the committee altogether.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me, when I am always fighting my benefits to give me the right amounts, or trying to get healthcare, or being unable to get basic needs met, or stressing because my mom is losing it (currently she is out of a medication that she can't get at any other pharmacy because of federal laws prohibiting transferring the prescription, and the one she goes to has been out for a week now).

I just am losing the point of this, and I don't know what happens when you lose the point of trying to continue your suffering.

~e