I can't sleep. I tried really hard to have a good day. I found strawberries and we grilled veggies burgers, and I played music to distract myself from my thoyghts. It was about 95 degrees today. We don't have AC, but a regular fan is helping.

I'm increasingly feeling and processing what little support I really have.

Remembering back. My mom claiming she was helping me, but I would be in my room trying to write a paper or study for a test that was due the next day and she would sit on my floor and talk at me for 6 hours straight. I repeatedly told her I really needed to do my homework...she would say ok and keep talking. By the time she was done I just wanted to sleep. I felt like the life had been drained out of me. She's an emotional vampire.

I have agoraphobia and I'm partially blind, and I can't drive and I don't have friends to rely on, so I couldn't just get up and go somewhere else. Paratransit requires 2 days notice for a ride, and I also have to plan going out if I need to do something specific, still. My schools were online so I had no campus to go to and the satellite campuses had no services or resources.

As I progressed through school, my mom became increasingly helpless. Requiring me to intervene if SNAP or housing failed to do something. But then as I did, and as I resolved things faster and faster because I knew what to do and who to contact, she started the narrative that I was controlling her life.

She started saying that she wasnt capable because I was just doing things and not showing her how to do them. But the thing is she already knew how to do these things before I went to school. Then she started saying she wanted me to show her, and when I tried, it would take 4 hours of showing her because she wants training step by step, when I could just get it done and dealt with in 10 minutes. Again, she absolutely should be able to do these things herself. I had to figure it out. She certainly didn't take time to show me how to do anything.

D doesn't feel like he can intervene. He says it's a family matter. My mom won't listen to him anyways because he isn't family. I have no family, so it's just me against her. When I tell her anything she is doing, she says I'm criticizing her no matter how kind I try to be...so then I get frustrated. She has no caring for the fact that she's killing my health with the stress she's causing or how much of my life and time she wastes with all of this stress she causes.

She always says she doesn't know how to do things now. But that is really on purpose. I don't either and no one is showing me how to do anything. I have to figure it out. I have to Google everything and read dozens of articles. Piece together what I need to do. She wants to be walked through literally everything...she knows how to use the internet. But she likes to pretend she doesn't do you have to take time to show her.

All while she stalls it, delays it, forgets things you just said, claims things don't work right, it takes HOURS to show her how to do anything.

I can't...not physically or mentally or emotionally. It drains the life out of me.

I just really need family that I don't have.

To intervene with her. To back me up when she's being paranoid or delusional. To help her when I can't. To be there for me when I need someone to listen and things are falling apart.

D just gets mad and hits the walls and screams and breaks things. I can't talk to him at all. He says I can, but he has no ability to control his emotions or anger. So I really can't.

So I'm alone between them both.

A friend from school had posted on a situation where she got frustrated with her stresses and snapped at her child. In the comments her relatives offered so much support...telling her how wonderful she is, they are there for her to listen, there if she needs time alone, there to take her kids to get a break, actually being there...I literally can't imagine what that must be like. To have a need and have someone else really care to offer solutions to try to make things better for you.

I need that.

I'm realizing that I'm here doing disability advocacy and justice as much as I can, completely alone, and there's no real point.

Disabled people are increasingly unappreciative of people doing the work to make systems change and lack understanding of the process necessary and lack the social skills needed to intervene in abled spaces and get them to listen. I hate the process too, and how much it takes to maneuver through bureaucracy. But that's our option currently.

And without any support back from others who these issues affect and no ability to or energy to actively try to get them to feel motivated to do anything to contribute, I see no point in continuing doing this work.

I can't do it all. I can't do it without support. I somehow got through college without support. But I killed my health. It wasn't worth it at all. I keep feeling that all of this isn't worth it at all. In reality I'm drained and just can't do this anymore.

~e