I'm really struggling, and I wish I had someone to go to. I have 3 days left to apply for a position with my former supervisor. I have two references, I can't get a hold of the third person. I haven't tried to contact one of them because I don't want to bother her…she is retired, and I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed and insecure. She hates that sort of thing. I feel like crawling into a hole. This is the same placement where the supervisor gave me a chance despite the fact that I didn't technically qualify, and here I am in the same place with this job position. I loved that internship.

But now I have to fill out an application form that requires 3 references. It requires you upload copies of diplomas or transcripts. And describe my duties in my internships. My resume wont be used to determine eligibility for the position, only the information in the application will. But I can't put anything except professional experience in the application. There is nowhere to state anything else. And another issue is that my supervisor who I am applying to is one of my references, and I have no one to replace her. Furthermore there is this declaration that everything you share is public record and viewable to anyone who asks, and may be posted publicly…yeah, so, no stress at all.

I feel like I am being routed out automatically, though. I don't know the process, either, and that isn't helping.

I am equally anxious if were to be hired than if I were to not be hired:

1. NOT hired
I would remain on SSI, continue struggling to afford anything and having no way to pay for my $6000+ needed dental work, so I will likely lose my teeth. I would continue to have to remain in absolute poverty. On SNAP. Dealing with the SSA and HSD. I would potentially be cut off, because DVR is harassing me to work. And SSI can cut me off at any time because I got a masters degree. They can say there is a job 1500 miles away in a tiny town in Virginia that I can do that pays $1350 a month, and cut me off. I would lose everything.

2. hired
I will lose every disability benefit I have, I will have to report my income monthly. I will have to report my monthly medical expenses needed to work. I have had many of these benefits since birth, the rest I've been on since age 18. Including Medicaid and my care coord!nator, and my in home care supports, my medical transportation, my medication being mandatorily covered, because employer insurance doesn’t cover any of that and isn't required to cover disability related benefits at all. And I have those things because I medically need those things, but Medicaid requires poverty, so I'm in this Catch-22.

I also have no idea if I can actually work full time or near full time and actually maintain my life and health. I know I couldn't when going to school 3/4 time. But I would have more money than I have now. Unless I needed surgery or something, which I'd have to pay deductibles, and copays. I also don't know that it hasn't been my thyroid or cortisol levels this entire time causing me to not function when I get stressed. It very well might be. I may be on the verge of resolving my medical issue with why I have always fallen apart with long-term stress.

I feel like I need some Port wine, but I can't drink anymore because I'm functionally diabetic from my thyroid failure. And I feel it. And I also took a Xanax to stop freaking out and overthinking. It's not as pleasant as Port wine, but it stops the shit.

right now it's absolutely pouring rain outside. I bought myself new boots and jeans online for Fall that is about to be here rapidly. I saw in a memory that it was snowing today, two years ago. In the summer.

I have a dental appointment on Monday morning to try to reattach my crown that came off again about 2 weeks ago. I will need a root canal when it comes off again. I'm not looking forward to that. Especially if I don’t have money.

~e