Today Penny is more mobile, looking out the windows, but struggling to initiate eating. Once she starts eating, though, she can usually keep going.

D has been yelling at me all day. He puts everything off to the very end, whether its paying credit cards, paying bills, processing estate things for his grandma's estate, cashing checks (of which he has had to get several re-issued because he waited till they expired), withdrawing required amounts, etc. He gets fines, he gets charged, he gets penalties...

Well today he is blaming me. If I didn't do things like constantly need his help, or going to the Dr, or caring for my dying cat, he would have done it earlier in the year. It really makes me feel like I should just go away or die already. I'm very clearly in the way, and if i can find a way to not be in the way, he can go live his life without me interfering, me needing glasses, medical care, rides...if I was just ashes I wouldn't interfere with anything or anyone anymore. He could throw what is left of me off a cliff in the mountains and that would be that.

Instead I am here trying to do impossible things with the city. And today, less than a week after I found out the person who is supposed to be running our meeting quit without telling me, another committee member told me they are resigning...I want to quit too. I can't do everything. I'm doing the packets in full, the agenda and items in full, trying to round up 9 grown adults and maintain and motivate them to want to be involved. And I have no interest in even trying to do that. it really is me doing it all, in full,...and I cant maintain this.

I would just make someone else run the meeting this month, but the person appointed to do that is out on medical leave, which I didn't know about until 2 weeks ago.

So I am pretty stuck, and I really am not feeling anything for anything anymore.

~e