Since Penny passed, each day has merged into a single, heartbreaking day where the sun set and never rose again. There is an incredible sadness in this world without her beautiful pure and sweet heart. My heart and fingertips physically ache for her. That is all there is now...

D asks me every day if I want anything, intending for it mean something to eat or drink...each time he asks, my heart answers, "I only want Penny."

I tried re-reading The Little Prince, because it feels right to help process her loss, but I began feeling the immensity of the void within the universe that her loss feels within my heart, and the devastation that I unintentionally harmed her and caused her early passing. So I had to stop reading it.

I haven't slept through a single night for 12 days, and more often than not I panic throughout the entire night if I do somehow fall asleep. I dream I am trying to save her, or that she is passing again, and I can't do anything to make it stop, except wake up to the painful reality that she is also gone here.

I am also literally struggling to breathe, and struggling to be able to urinate more than 1tsp, even though I am drinking enough fluids, and I remain feeling dehydrated. I went to ER for it, did blood work, for which I have elevated glucose and high ketones, but ER just sent me home after giving me IV fluids. I am still randomly feeling faint like I am going to pass out, like my body is lacking something essential for it to keep going.

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” — Edna St. Vincent Millay

~e