lillian m. blakey moon_window

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Monday, Mar. 16, 2020 - 10:43 pm


This week has been really unbearable. The stores are all half empty. There is such little stock, they are restricting items to a maximum of 2 of any item.

So on Friday afternoon we decided to try to go shopping...we walked in one store to get two items. we saw the wall of carts and people lined up and we walked back out. We went to another was okay, but they were out of most items. So we went to a 3rd store, and it was off and on nuts too, but at least in waves...we got most of what we needed and left. And the final store, to get the remaining items. It took over 4 hours to do that.

I've been in the house since then. Yesterday my bf's HR director had to plead w/ the E.D. to allow working from home. She didn't really relent. She just told them she will allow them to use their best judgment.

Also, my bf's job and ability to pay his salary is direct;y toed to the crashing stock market, and that same stock market has made him lose 1/3 of his inherited money, that is entirely tied in the stock market. he knows nothing of he stock market, or how it works, and neither do i. But he already lost the value of the house his gma lived in, and now he is rapidly losing the remaining inheritance.

Anyway, today my bf had to get his car scheduled to be fixed due to a airbag recall. It was a nightmare. He also needed over $1200 to fix other things, none of which were surprising - brakes worn, they resealed something that was leaking, and a timing belt. They didn't fix the main issue of the axle jolting the car when he turns. They said it was a power steering obviously isn't.

So he was a little pissed even though it all needed to be done. And his car was there, being fixed anyway.

So the guy calls, its ready, and we get the loaner car and get his bf proceeds to drive and touch his beard over and over...i tell him to stop touching his he yells at me over it...and says he cant stop touching his face, "its normal to touch your face". i told him that's how people are getting the coronavirus, and he acts like he doesn't care or doesn't believe it...literally says "how?" this is a man sharing articles for his job, so i know he has read t stop it.

So we get to the dealer and the guy greets us as we get out of the car, and my bf sits there talking and he fucking touches his mouth, his beard, his hair, his forehead, the countertop, the pen, over and over and over as they are talking...the poor mechanic was staring at him in shock, as was I. in disbelief of how fucking stupid he is...and how he is going to give this shitty virus to me. he tried to shake the guys hand, the guy didnt he joked and said he forgot no touching...the guy literally said "yeah, and I'll see you in the hospital" was fucking embarrassing and terrifying for me. I didn't want to be there as i watched him and i regretted going.

I already can't breathe. My asthma is really bad and un-managed beyond a couple of inhalers to get me through thanks to crappy healthcare.

I feel really done. His disregard, over and over is too much. He handles stress like a 3 year old. And he hasn't kept most of his promises. He tried tp be kind and helpful and listened, briefly, the weekend before last weekend...and then after we slept in each morning, an tried to spend time together and do thins together and enjoy the morning, somewhat...he said he was upset because it was a waste of time and he needs to get up first thing and make lists of what to do and just do it...which means discounting any attempt at time together as wasted time and pointless. hurt when he said that and I even voiced that to him, which he got defensive over...i really need other people here.

I am going to be 100% alone yet again. Because no one here even speaks to me, or reaches out, and when they do it means they will be moving away soon.

I'm not sure what i will do if i get sick. or my mom does. We have no one. No one to check on or care for my cats...except my bf who can't stop touching his fucking face.


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

stop touching your goddamn face - Monday, Mar. 16, 2020

feeling done again - Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2020

the motions - Monday, Mar. 02, 2020

Breaking - Wednesday, Feb. 26, 2020

Enjoy the ride - Monday, Feb. 24, 2020